Preface
I watched on as my younger sister stolen the one constant thing in my life.
Mother and father told me I should be happy that my sister was marrying a man with a fortune so she will be well taken care of.
He was my best friend and my secret love, but I let him slipped thourgh my finger by not saying anything.
Unable to watched the ceremony, I glanced down on my clutching hands and remembering the day she told me.
"Alicia, Alicia!" She said as she ran though the doorway of the house. Mother and I looked up from our stitching.
"Claire, no running though the house," Mother scolded.
"Sorry, Mother, but I have the most wonderful news to tell you," Claire said with a sparkle in her eyes. Mother and i looked at each other then at her.
"Well?" I asked.
"Mr. Hunter has proposed to me and I said yes," Claire cried in happiness. Mother dropped her stitching and embraced my sister as I watched them. I felt my heart break in two.
"Mr. Hunter? You mean Daniel?" I asked in a hoarse whisper. My sister pulled away from mother and went to me.
"of course. Who else would I mean?" she said, "Isn't this wonderful? I mean I have always suspected he had a crush on me, but I never knew he was....."
I sat in chair as she turned to mother. I toned out their conversation. I stared in to nothingness, thinking how I lost my best friend.
I looked up from my hand and watched the newly married couple kiss. As I watched them, I couldn't help but think that my sister had stolen the thing that meant the most to me.
~~~~~~
hey, guys. i need you help deciding on a title. i don't feel that this title fits. So help me come up with a new one. Please.
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140,287 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
Hey, Bri. I'm sorry that I've neglected your work like I have.
Hopefully this critique makes up for it
I actually like the title, Bri. I think it fits well
I see that you have started another gold star worthy piece. I like the prologue. However, I do think you could have added more to the dramatic side here. Make it more emotional so the reader feels for your MC, you know?
Otherwise, wonderful job!
Good Start. Besides the few grammar mistakes that are already pointed out, I can see no others. So good job on the grammar. It can be a bit confusing, especially where she is thinking about when her sister said she was marrying him, and then it goes to the wedding. I think that could have been done a bit differently, but that may just be me. I like the names you chose for the story they fit well. And maybe you could clarify why the man has such a fortune. And I will say again, good start. I am hoping to see more about this.
Okay, Bri. This is kind of a dry beginning to a preface. I feel like there's something missing, here. Try something like this...My (pick a color) eyes lingered upon my sister's figure and I saw the happiness float around her. I couldn't help but ponder that she had unknowingly taken the most precious thing in my life. The thing that I couldn't help but not love. -- Okay, maybe that was too long. But try something like that.
Yeah, well your MC should be. I have to ask what's the MC's sister's husband's title? I mean like a Duke, Viscount, Earl,...
It's through.
Alicia. I like that name.
Capitalize the i...to I.
Instead of that simple sentence, add something more emotional. For instance...S[i]lowly her words tore apart my heart in two. I felt my life drain out of me and the one thing I was trying to aim for was gone forever. -- Okay, maybe not that cheesy.
Capitalize the O in Of. Oh, just a little fact. I don't they used "crush" back then. Try attractive.
After conversation add as between that word and I. And into should be placed together.
Before you start this sentence you might want a way for the reader to understand that you're bringing this back to the present. Try...My thoughts of that day slowly drifted away... and then start with I looked.
~~~~~~
I can't think of one at the moment but when I do I will let you know.
Well, Bri. Is this just it? I know that it's a preface, but where's chapter one? You can't just leave us, readers, hanging here. Pm me when you do post chapter 1.
-Merry
~Oh, if you don't know what the titles are, you can pm me for them for help.~
Denj:
i will try to make it uncliche.
googly:
thanks for reading it and spotting my grammar mistakes. i will fix them when i have the time.
I think you could reword the first line a bit, because it doesn't sound quite right to say "the one constant thing in my life," if she has a secret love. A few other minor mistakes, but overall, a good start. I think the title fits it perfectly fine. However, I have difficulty seeing how this could become a full-length story, and the plot so far is seems a bit cliche. Hope to see more soon!
I think you mean 'watch' and not 'watched.'
There were a few grammar (or typos) in there, like having the begining of a sentance not capitalized or not capitalizing an 'I' or whatever.
I liked it though!
Nice job and keep up the good work,
googly